Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Just wondering . . .

If I put up signs with arrows, do you think I could get the trick-or-treaters to walk around the side of the house into the back, so that I could hand out treats without getting out of the hot tub?

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Women and the priesthood

I just got back from visiting teaching. This month the message was on the priesthood. As usual, I didn’t feel that the quotes they had in the message were very helpful. I still can’t figure out what the point is with those messages. I read them each month with so much hope that “they” (whoever THEY are) have put some really interesting things in there. But no dice this time.

There was, however, a question that got my thoughts moving a little—something about how we can avail ourselves of the blessings of the priesthood. I wondered: are there blessings I could be getting from the priesthood that I am not currently receiving or recognizing? In what ways could it be blessing my life that it is not?

I already feel greatly blessed by the power of the priesthood. Most obviously to me is the great comfort I get from blessings from Roger. He has a spiritual gift, I think, of speaking the words of God. I have been directly and clearly blessed by often by things he has said in blessings.

There are other ways I have been blessed. Everything about the temple, for example, is connected with the priesthood. And I am blessed with new knowledge, greater peace in my life, increased spirituality every time I attend.

Also, when I am at the temple, I see and feel more clearly what I believe is God’s view of the connection between women and the priesthood.

I am not one of the people (and there are many) who believes, secretly or publicly, that women will be ordained to the priesthood on earth eventually, and that we are just patiently (or impatiently) waiting until the church catches up culturally enough to accept it (the way it needed to get to a certain point before we could receive the revelation on blacks and the priesthood).

Why not? Why am I not one of those people?

This question has stumped me. I’m going to try to explore why.

First, I have never felt any less blessed by the priesthood than I perceive anyone else to be. It’s very obvious to me that I am receiving every possible blessing that I am worthy of and that I am not missing out on anything by not being ordained. What possible blessings to priesthood-bearers receive that I don’t?

Let’s see. What do priesthood leaders do that I don’t? Preside? Hmmm. Well, I’ll grant that one. But whether it constitutes a blessing, I’m not so sure of. But I don’t want to head down the path of, “It’s all O.K. because who would want to do that anyway?” The fact that it doesn’t sound fun to me does not prove that there are no blessings involved. But the question is, is life unfair because there might be a blessing attached to presiding that I will never get? Is it unfair that gender alone entitles one person to eventually have access to that particular blessing and another not to?

Well, the logical answer to that is that there are some blessings that I am entitled to, by virtue of gender alone, that my husband will never be able to access. One of them is the blessing of being presided over.

“Aha!” you answer. “But who wants to be presided over? The very fact that someone is OVER you implies a position of less worth; it implies inferiority.”

I’m not sure I agree with that. Because I’m not sure, and have never been sure, what “presiding over” really means. In my family, we are co-leaders. Roger might give the kids fathers’ blessings. Is there any doubt that I am giving my kids mothers’ blessings, constantly? (Sure, I don’t lay my hands on their heads. But I am giving them all the same.)

So if we didn’t have any kids, what would his “presiding” look like? I don’t know what it is SUPPOSED to look like—but what it DOES look like is that he is the interface between our family and the world, between our family and the greater church. It’s as if he is facing outwards, negotiating all of the business between our family unit and the outside world, and within his protection I am facing inwards, negotiating all of the business within our family. Works well for us. I think it’s the way it should work.

So then because that is the way things are, is he receiving blessings that I am not, and for which I am not being equally compensated somehow?

I don’t think so. At least, I don’t think he is being blessed MORE than I am. Just differently. And I don’t mind that the difference is based on gender.

Much as I hate it, it gets back, in part, to the priesthood/motherhood thing. I hate to say that “men officiate in the Priesthood and women get to be mothers,” as if the two are equal and opposite. But, because of gender differences, they ARE equal and opposite in many ways.

Another part of the visiting teaching message that caught my interest was a point about all of us participating in God’s work of bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. What could better describe what a mother does than that description of God’s work? I am constantly engaged in bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of myself and my children. No priesthood-bearer can claim that he is doing more in this goal than I am. Because he is gone from home most of the day, my husband can’t claim that he is doing anywhere near as much of this for our children as I am. So who am I to deny him the blessings of participating in God’s work? Let him officiate in the priesthood, and take upon himself certain tasks so that I can be freed to concentrate on mine.

The biggest reason I am uncomfortable in admitting to this “priesthood/motherhood” belief is that I have suffered from infertility in my life. I have looked down the long dark tunnel of a possible future of childlessness. How can we say to a childless woman that her motherhood is the only way she can have access to the blessings that are comparative (I am avoiding the word compensatory) to those a man might receive by holding the priesthood? We can’t. We see our church leaders, and those of us who are anxiously engaged in raising children, sort of apologetically turn to the women who cannot conceive and say, “But you are still mothering—to your nieces and nephews, to the children in your ward, to your coworkers, etc.” It’s not the same. We all know it’s not.

And yet—And yet—does it matter? We are all engaged in God’s work—that of bringing souls unto him. The childless woman can be as engaged as she would like to be in this work and can thus qualify for as many blessings as she would like. Just because I have been giftwrapped four specific souls and assigned to work primarily on THEM for most of my waking hours does not, I believe, mean that I will be blessed any more than my childless friend. More obviously, maybe. Of course, I will be held accountable in different ways than she will. But of both of us, God will ask for an accounting of how we helped others to reach him. As he will of our husbands.

If the general authorities announced tomorrow that women would from now on be ordained to the priesthood, I would feel very surprised and confused. Because I think it would be redundant and unnecessary. I think it would interfere with what a marriage can and should be (a synergy of different gifts and responsibilities that functions as a greater and more powerful unit). There are many things about the restored gospel that I don’t understand and that are confusing to me, and which I expect to be cleared up in surprising ways in the next life. As for the priesthood, I think we will find that in many ways women have already been part of the priesthood, and that, without being actually ordained to specific offices within it, we will be participating within it in more outward ways (for example, more the way women did in the early church, or even as recently as 50 or so years ago when couple missionaries participated in blessings together). But I don’t believe that there is any big pronouncement coming “as soon as the church is ready for it.” The revelation on women and the priesthood comes to each woman—and each couple--individually, I believe, as they more and more fully commit to consecrating their lives to the bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of souls.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Money's Too Tight to Mention

One of the down sides of living in a wealthy nation (and having so much, myself) is the problem of deciding what to do with my "disposable" income. I will be the first to admit that we are extremely wealthy, just by the fact that my kids never, ever go hungry. But I have such a hard time getting proper perspective on money and how to spend it. I really wish I could get to a point where I have things figured out.

For example, we'd like to put Terror into karate lessons. $75 a month it would be. Honestly, when we sit down and look at a budget, which we try not to do, not only do we not have $75 a month for karate, but we are not surviving on what we do have. And yet, we seem to be living pretty comfortably. But, since it doesn't work out on paper, does that mean we should not risk it and make the commitment for the $75? Or does that mean we should just dive in and hope it'll work out, as it always seems to? And how far can we push this "hoping things work out"? Can we eat out on our weekly dates? Can I buy Earth shoes for my sore feet? Can I buy my next jeans at J.C. Penney's instead of D.I.? And what about that cruise want to go on for our 15th anniversary next year?

I feel, always, as if we are pinching pennies. Does anyone ever get over this feeling? I imagine people do--at least the many people in my ward who hire housekeepers and lawn services. Somebody somewhere has to be living relaxed and not wondering which things they ought to be cutting back on. I actually don't mind the feeling of having to be frugal and doubt I could ever shake it even if someone stepped in and paid off all our student loans and mortgage tomorrow. I think feeling as if money is tight is just natural for me (inbred) and I could probably never shake it. But it blows my mind to stand back and look at how wealthy we must appear (at how wealthy we ARE) and yet I still hesitate to buy the kids new socks or to buy clothes for any of us anywhere but at D.I. I guess it all comes down to the little splurges and the little sacrificies we all make, and I'm sure we all have different things we give up/splurge on. I've never taken the kids to Disneyland. We don't own a decent TV. Only one or two pieces of furniture in the house are not hand-me-downs, and we got them at the Scratch-and-Dent sale. I buy drugstore make-up (and look like it, too!), cheap haircuts, and would never pay for a gym membership. I recently splurged and signed up for the milkman service but only because we are now mixing all of our milk with powdered.

But, the house is bigger than we need. We have a tent trailer. Roger and I usually eat out on our dates. And we take a vacation without the kids a few times a year.

After all this, how could I ever justify the immense cost of going back to school? I can't take my kids to Disneyland but I can go get an MFA?

Where is my perspective? How do I find it?

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Happy Autumn

Well, hello there. Long time no see. I have excuses for that, which I'll explain below. First I wanted to say that autumn in Utah is the best! My husband doesn't agree, mostly because he didn't love school the way I did. Autumn colors mean it's time to head back to the books--is there anything more exciting? I am consumed with envy for all the kids crawling over campuses everywhere. (College is wasted on the young.) (Well, I guess it's not. I sure enjoyed my college days to the fullest, so I guess it wasn't wasted on me.)

So I read in the paper today about the Utah chick who is making a "comfortable upper-middle class income" by blogging every day and selling spots to advertisers. Sheesh! There's no denying that some people have blog talent. I don't. So, for those (both) of you who ever read this, thanks for hanging with me. That's true love, that is.

Someone asked me once what measures I have taken to improve readership of my blog. Answer: none. It hasn't been a real goal to get more and more readers. I'm not sure what the goal is here, as I've mentioned in earlier posts. But I find that if I start trying to guess what will make more people want to read, I am no longer writing for myself. If I'm trying to please an audience, I might as well do it with my more formal writing.

What's up with that, anyway? Well, I sold another story to the Friend. That makes five this year. But get this: they paid $250 each for the first two, $100 each for the second two, and $75 for this last one. Arrrrggh! I finally called them to ask, basically, if they were trying to give me a hint (and if so, why bother buying at all?). No, they said, they just ran over budget and had to cut way down. Drat. So anything else I have to sell, it would be wiser to wait until the new year. Frustrating since I want to get enough money for another independent study class. I hate not having the money for the next class I want to take.

I've been concentrating on poetry lately (and that's the class I want to take). I polished up a bunch for Kathy Soper to put in her book (published through Segullah--watch for it!). I've got several more on the burner . . . I'm toying with the idea of going for an MFA in poetry, so I need to really buckle down there.

Reading . . . let's see. Lots and lots of people have sent me manuscripts that they want me to critique this last month. I've been rather inundated, actually. That's taking some time. As for books, I read Sarah's Quilt (sequel to These is My Words), two thirds of Part 1 of Don Quixote (I'm sorry, I just can't take any more. It will not get done.), Creative Writing the Easy Way, The Memory-Keeper's Wife. Reading was a little hard this month because of illness.

So the illness. Which is the reason I haven't posted for a while. Can I just extend an apology to all of my friends and acquaintances who suffere from chronic illnesses? Here's what I'm apologizing for: because I didn't realize until this month, when the possibility arose that I might have one, that I had been subconsciously judging people who have them. I found out because of the deep sense of embarrassment and shame I have felt in thinking that I might have one. And through the embarrassment I feel whenever someone asks me how I'm feeling now and I have to answer "lousy" again, or when people ask, "Just what, exactly, are your symptoms?" Why is it so embarrassing? Do I deep down think it's my fault? I don't know. But I'm really bothered by it (the embarrassment). I have never been conscious of judging others who struggle with similar things. But here I am judging myself so harshly. It drives me crazy.

Because I know you're wondering, I'll just say it once here, quickly: I have struggled with exhaustion for several months, breathlessness, a sense of choking, strange sensations in my head of a lack of blood (blackout) and then a rush of blood and pressure, heart skipping a beat. Also itching on the palms of my hands and soles of my feet.

There. I've said it. Weird symptoms, the kind that grouped all together make doctors say things like "chronic fatigue," "fibromyalgia," "anxiety." Which translates as "we don't know what in the world is up with you, you crazy Mormon housewife lady, so how can I get you out of my office?" I've struggled with finding a caring doctor who will listen and ACTUALLY ORDER SOME TESTS instead of whipping out his prescription pad and writing me some anti-anxiety medication.

OK, if this is an anxiety disorder, fine. I'll go on the drugs. I don't have any moral mental blocks about taking needed medication for anything, mental or physical. I just don't want to go on the dang stuff until we rule out some other stuff. Could somebody order me some tests? Please?

The other thing is this: I don't feel any anxiety in my life about anything--except the fact that my heart seems to stop occasionally. There have been anxious times in my life. I have even struggled with depression at times in my life. But not now, dang it! I am feeling better, emotionally, than I ever have. I love my life! My kids are all pretty easy right now. My marriage has never been better. I have things to look forward to, things I enjoy (when I'm not too tired to do them well). I am not depressed! I am not anxious! And I am doing everything right: exercising, sleeping (plenty!), eating pretty darn well. It just doesn't make sense to me.

OK, I'm done. Now you don't need to ask me how I'm feeling. Thanks, though.